My Husband is in Texas- Week One Point Five

Why is it that I am always up writing this thing at past two in the morning?

I had some thoughts today about what I've discovered as a semi-single gal.
- First, I learned that true to my earlier speculation- the kitchen IS cleaner now that he is not leaving his forty million plates in the sink. He would argue with me, tirelessly- that this notion was a figment of my imagination- that I was his dish-whore equal- but- here I sit, with a sparkling kitchen with nary a soiled plate in sight.
- Second, I am understanding the power of positive thinking. I was so discouraged and depressed for the duration of the time I knew he was leaving. It was as if I was held in suspended animation- I was unable to peel myself off of the couch, rarely pulled a comb through the tangled mess on my head, ate a strict diet of my fall-back comfort food, snapped at every customer service person who had the misfortune of calling my home... I was on a temp to perm PMS.
However, here I am, actually answering my emails! I am not avoiding my work! I left the house nearly every day this week! I checked my phone messages and opened each letter in the mail- I even started working around the house again, I washed the floors and rearranged my furniture - and it is just a matter of time before I regain the desire to wash my hair.

My birthday is next week and I have made peace with the idea that it will pass with a whimper.
At the beginning of the year, I believed that I would be spending the day strolling the streets of Barcelona- but that ship has sailed and I am waving a monogrammed hankie from the shore.
There is always next year, right?

I feel terrible thinking this, let alone typing it out for whomever to read, but without my husband around, I feel less distracted and more together.

My need to be with him, to talk to him, it will kick in at some point, right? It really just feels exactly the same, except now I have more clarity.

The thing is, I don't really want to be with anyone. I can't fathom the idea of dating, it was bad enough out there the last time- and I have only grown older, less perky and full of new thirty-something neurotic quirks. People just don't interest me the way that they used to.

My son turned twelve on Monday. I hate to mention him in this forum, in this post, but that child is nine volt battery that keeps my heart pumping. He is the one noun ( or pronoun) in this world that I love without question or reservation. I see so much of myself echoed in the pattern of his thoughts, the same anxieties, the same depth of passion, etc. When he is not here, the wind is sucked from my sails and my home is so quiet and lonely.

Having children young, or perhaps being a young, single, unwed mother- I find that it is really hard to be married, now. Perhaps it is just me, but anyone else who enters my life, is a distant second. My husband has never interfered in our relationship, in fact he is very loving and supportive of my son, but having this unencumbered time with him, alone- it makes me question the importance of my husband in our lives.

So much to think about, but now I need sleep.
xxoo-
D